Without Her
by newyorkace
Summary: And he would give it all up in a heartbeat for her. Because without her, his life means nothing. TIVA One-Shot. Now published as an individual piece.


**A/N:** This was originally in my other collection. But I like it too much so I wanted to put it by itself. I've been solely focused on my Catch Phrase collection so it's been awhile since I wrote a one-shot. But I heard this song of the radio the other day and the idea hasn't left my head.

**Disclaimer:** NCIS and this song belong to their respective owners.

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><p><em>The traveling, the singing, it don't mean nothing without you<br>The fast cars, the guitars, they are all just second to this life  
>this love that you and I've been dreaming of for so long<br>Would all be as good as gone without you_

Without you I'd survive  
>But I'd have to have the notion<br>That I could live this life  
>Just going through the motions<p>

_-"Without You" by Keith Urban_

**Without Her  
><strong>

His furtive eyes peer at her studious form from across the bullpen. She's too engrossed in whatever assignment at hand to pay his leering eyes any mind, but he knows she is fully aware of where his attention lies. After nearly seven years of working together, her senses are keenly adept when it comes to him as his are to her, and that has only strengthened with the development of a more intimate relationship.

As he watches her work, he finds himself lost in the quiet fluidity with which her body moves. He's never seen someone so determined yet elegant when approaching the smallest task. She amazes him. But what further astonishes him is how much he has come to need her in his life. He's not quite sure if his existence would be tolerable if there wasn't this woman sitting across from him every day, tackling the minutest chores with her same fire and grace.

Thoughts like these and notions of life without her rouse his mind to places he tries his hardest to avoid. He doesn't like to think back on that summer often; it fills him with too much dread and unresolved guilt. The pent up blame and anguish is something he knows he shouldn't burden himself with; she has assured him of that. They've talked about it on a few rare occasions since the breakdown in the men's bathroom, most of which have occurred in the mere hours of the morning with the comfort of blankets and the four walls of their apartment. Each and every time she swears to him that she's okay, that he shouldn't blame himself; she had provoked Gibbs into leaving her in Tel Aviv, and consequently incited the torture she endured. The words pain him to hear but he has since learned not to argue. Instead he simply holds her on those rare occasions she opens up and dries her tears on the nights when the nightmares get the best of her.

It's in those moments when he's holding her, brushing away the monsters with tips of his fingers that he fears she may never truly be okay. It's these few silent seconds when he watches her work that he realizes that he needs her to be okay because he can't lose her again; whether physical or emotional, it's a loss he cannot stand to bear.

Not again.

Those four months without her were sheer torture. He's not sure that any other afflictions could do more harm that losing her had. Even prior to news of the Damocles, she never left his thoughts for long. She was and is an instrumental part of his day; for years she had become a fixated part of his routine and only in her absence did he realize what a big part she plays. She would have, should have called; even if he hadn't been on the receiving end, someone should have heard her voice. That call that never came aggravated him beyond belief. And when word had finally surfaced of her demise his whole world became an annoyance. He could not focus nor could he think; the whole world he had known slowly started to spiral out of control. And it wasn't until they were safely out of harm's way, with her seated beside him on that plane back to Washington, did the pieces of what was his life start falling back into place.

In the years since that fateful summer, he had put himself back together with her help and, together, they saved and revived what was left of their relationship. Now, more than ever, she is an intricate part in not only his life but who his is as a man. She is the soul and drive behind everything he does. His work means nothing without her on his six. His movies mean nothing without her constant commentary and cuddling. His pop culture references mean nothing without her laughter and condemning eye roll in return. His life means nothing without her waiting for him when he walks through the front door on those rare occasions when they don't come home together. His life means nothing without someone to give it up for.

And he would give it all up in a heartbeat for her.

The smile she quickly flashes his way as she takes a momentary break from her case file brings him to the only plausible conclusion.

Without her, his life means nothing.

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><p><strong>AN:** I think I may be tearing up after writing that. I'm a little heart-broken, and I hate doing things like this to Tony. But he is my favorite and I love getting in his head. He is the reason I am able to write stuff like this.


End file.
